Frustrated In Fresno

Dear Dr. Dagny:
I love what you have written and your audios and feel I have learned a lot and I would love to share this with my wife but as far as my wife is concerned, she doesn’t seem to be very interested in sex these days.

It was different a few years ago and frankly I miss that intimacy. When we do have sex, I feel that she is only doing it for my benefit and giving into me with no emotional warmth in her giving so then I don’t feel so turned on.

I want to feel all the passion we used to but we hardly even kiss any more. I know that we have some resentment toward each other or at least I do. I have read on your site that it is possible to heal each other through sexual intimacy but where do I start?

Sincerely,
Frustrated in Fresno

Dear Frustrated,

I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me. I might ask first if your wife has been ill, tired a lot, pre-menopausal or menopausal, or if she has had a traumatic experience, you may or may not be aware of.

Then I would ask you how her diet is, and is she eating well?  Proper nutrition has a lot to do with how you feel and react to things, even how sexual you are. There are also numerous sexual stimulants in the form of herbs or even creams available to arouse her sexuality if she is open to this.

I understand how you may start to feel unattractive, undesirable, unloved, and therefore angry and resentful. However, you might want to be open to the possibility of her feeling asexual, abnormal, guilty, or resentful toward you because of your demands.

Tantra teaches you first to connect in your heart to her heart thus letting this flow of love energy into the genitals awakening arousal. Tantra is not so much about doing anything {not goal-oriented} as it is about “being present” and connecting in your heart. How observant you are to realize that you are closed off to her since you feel you are not getting what you want.

You want sexual relations, and she wants understanding. How about getting back to Romance? Start by asking her questions about how she feels and what she wants. Both of you might have forgotten what truly turns you on, brings you joy, and satisfies you.

Start with physical non-sexual touching, look into her eyes, and remind her and yourself of past loving and sensual times. In fact, go all out conjuring up all kinds of loving images in your mind of what you love about her.  I feel that you should not be so quick to shrug off her gesture to accommodate you just because you feel she is not as excited as you would prefer. Actually, this act of generosity and wanting to please you can enhance your relationship if you are aware enough to graciously accept and receive her kindness.

Use this opportunity to stay present with her, in your passion, connecting even deeper. Don’t make this about “Getting Off.” I would recommend watching movies like, “Bliss“, “Dangerous Beauty,” and, “Somewhere in Time” together. Be kind, compassionate and forgiving to her and most of all to yourself.

I Remain Yours in Sovereignty,
Dr. Dagny
Activist for you embracing your Primal Nature as part of Warrior Dragon Tribe where Deep Truth and Secret Ancient practices Reign Supreme “

Confused In Cleveland

Dear Dr. Dagny,
What do you mean when you talk about orgasm without ejaculation? Does that mean feeling sexually aroused and having muscle contractions like ejaculating without ejaculating?

Please describe the feeling and/or where to read about it.
Thanks.
Yours truly,
Confused in Cleveland

Dear Confused,
I am ecstatic that you asked a question that so many men wonder about and have misunderstood. First let me explain that orgasm not only precedes ejaculation, but it is from a different part of your nervous system entirely.

Orgasm feels like an electrical wave of ongoing pleasure and can be felt thru the whole body, opening you to warmth and tingling as well as emotional feelings. Ejaculation is 8 to 25 muscular contractions from the sphincter muscle and prostate area and occurs with a buildup of pressure locked in the genital area with tension build up thru the whole body that explodes out.  You can never expand or lengthen these contractions. In fact, they shorten as you age. However, you can prolong and expand orgasm by learning to RELAX those muscles when the contractions start, and by unlearning the habitual sequence that you taught your body when you first masturbated. (To learn more about this refer to my \”body armoring\” article).

You have your most \”pleasurable experience\” when you just relax and let go.

Since orgasm is as deep as the ocean you cannot control it so you first must learn to separate it by riding this orgasmic wave in your body using a pleasure scale of 1 thru 10, 1 being barely aroused and 10 being at that point of ejaculating. Most men equate high levels of arousal with tenseness in the body. The key here is to be relaxed while pleasantly aroused at the same time, maintaining an intense level of 7 or 8 for as long as one desires which is breathtakingly satisfying.

One ancient sexual secret is that sexual energy rides on the breath. Tantra/Taoist practices afford you the blissful states of heightened pleasure with varying peaks and valleys. By using simple breath, sound, and movement techniques one can open to feelings of intense and ongoing pleasure thru the whole body. Interestingly enough, the more one lets go in his body, the higher you can ride the wave. Of course, the higher you ride the wave the more chance of falling off into ejaculation but even there you can go into these contractions and intensify orgasm even more, eventually becoming multi-orgasmic.

Yes, this is true. It is not a myth. You might want to read “The Multi-Orgasmic Man” by Mantak Chia. Remember the big “O” does not always mean releasing semen. In fact, as you practice reaching orgasm without that goal, you feel electrifying sensations of energy moving through your body and a sense of deep satisfaction and completeness not experienced otherwise. You are not giving up ejaculation; you are just giving in or letting go into ongoing orgasm.

I Remain Yours in Sovereignty,

Dr. Dagny,
Activist for you embracing your Primal Nature as part of Warrior Dragon Tribe where Deep Truth and Secret Ancient practices Reign Supreme.